On Waking Up
«Do you hear that? Work is calling.» (3★) · «Hey, uh … you …» (0★) · «Coffee’s on, orange juice freshly squeezed.» (1★) · «Oh, it’s you?» (2★) · «Mmm …» (5★) · «Is hair growing on your back again?» (2★) · «I’m awake, that’s about all I can say about my condition.» (4★)
At Breakfast
«Huh?» (5★) · «Did you sleep well?» (1★) · «Breakfast cereal? I thought it was wood shavings from your DIY.» (3★) · «If you’re looking for me, I’m in the fridge.» (3★) · «Have you taken out the rubbish yet?» (6★) · «Pass me that thing.» (4★)
At the Doctor’s
«Keep your trousers on, we’re only in the waiting room.» (4★) · «Don’t worry, you’ll always be my man.» (0★) · «Is your doctor a woman?» (2★) · «Mmm …» (5★) · «Swollen abs – is that really a thing?» (2★) · «Lose a few kilos! You lose everything else anyway.» (3★)
In the Car
«Shall I help? Or can you break it on your own?» (5★) · «Don’t look at me, look at the road!» (0★) · «That wasn’t me, it was already like that.» (2★) · «Oh là là. Nought to 100 in five seconds – while driving!» (1★) · «Right, right! No, I mean left, more to the left.» (4★)
In Front of the TV
«I don’t need to watch TV – I’ve got you.» (0★) · «When does ‹Tatort› start?» (1★) · «Are the Swiss footballers the blue ones or the red ones?» (4★) · «We really need to talk about our son now …» (4★) · «Yeah, yeah …» (6★) · «What did you say? Is the beer gone already?» (3★)
Before Falling Asleep
«I’d be ready now to be kissed to sleep.» (0★) · «I’m not a one-night kind of girl. I have to leave in an hour.» (1★) · «Sleep well, my angel!» (3★) · «Zzzz …» (5★) · «Close your eyes, it’s far too bright otherwise.» (4★) · «Is there a day missing between Saturday and Sunday?» (1★)
The Verdict
0 to 5 stars: Freshly in love? All the best to you both. — 6 to 10 stars: Did you cheat, or is this really the perfect relationship? — 11 to 15 stars: Well. It can all still turn out fine. Keep at it. — 16 to 20 stars: Take it easy! Even the finest relationship flags over time. — 21 to 25 stars: Your partner has a sense of humour – and you can take it on the chin. — Over 25 stars: There’s not much to say. Or has your partner already moved out – and simply not mentioned it?
This article appeared in MEN issue 2/23 (November 2023).
