On Waking Up
“Do you hear that? Work is calling.” (3★) · “Hey, uh … you …” (0★) · “Coffee’s on, orange juice freshly squeezed.” (1★) · “Oh, it’s you?” (2★) · “Mmm …” (5★) · “Is hair growing on your back again?” (2★) · “I’m awake, that’s about all I can say about my condition.” (4★)
At Breakfast
“Huh?” (5★) · “Did you sleep well?” (1★) · “Breakfast cereal? I thought it was wood shavings from your DIY.” (3★) · “If you’re looking for me, I’m in the fridge.” (3★) · “Have you taken out the rubbish yet?” (6★) · “Pass me that thing.” (4★)
At the Doctor’s
“Keep your trousers on, we’re only in the waiting room.” (4★) · “Don’t worry, you’ll always be my man.” (0★) · “Is your doctor a woman?” (2★) · “Mmm …” (5★) · “Swollen abs – is that really a thing?” (2★) · “Lose a few kilos! You lose everything else anyway.” (3★)
In the Car
“Shall I help? Or can you break it on your own?” (5★) · “Don’t look at me, look at the road!” (0★) · “That wasn’t me, it was already like that.” (2★) · “Oh là là. Nought to 100 in five seconds – while driving!” (1★) · “Right, right! No, I mean left, more to the left.” (4★)
In Front of the TV
“I don’t need to watch TV – I’ve got you.” (0★) · “When does ‘Tatort’ start?” (1★) · “Are the Swiss footballers the blue ones or the red ones?” (4★) · “We really need to talk about our son now …” (4★) · “Yeah, yeah …” (6★) · “What did you say? Is the beer gone already?” (3★)
Before Falling Asleep
“I’d be ready now to be kissed to sleep.” (0★) · “I’m not a one-night kind of girl. I have to leave in an hour.” (1★) · “Sleep well, my angel!” (3★) · “Zzzz …” (5★) · “Close your eyes, it’s far too bright otherwise.” (4★) · “Is there a day missing between Saturday and Sunday?” (1★)
The Verdict
0 to 5 stars: Freshly in love? All the best to you both. — 6 to 10 stars: Did you cheat, or is this really the perfect relationship? — 11 to 15 stars: Well. It can all still turn out fine. Keep at it. — 16 to 20 stars: Take it easy! Even the finest relationship flags over time. — 21 to 25 stars: Your partner has a sense of humour – and you can take it on the chin. — Over 25 stars: There’s not much to say. Or has your partner already moved out – and simply not mentioned it?
This article appeared in MEN issue 2/23 (November 2023).
