Coming Home Tipsy
– I so enjoyed watching the waitress fetch the beer that I couldn’t resist. – Alcohol? In the shop a lady was promoting men’s fragrances. She sprayed me without asking. Dreadful! Smells just like alcohol. – I was appointed secretary of the model-sailing club, Section East. So I had to buy the lads a round of beer. – Alcohol? That must be the new fluid for cleaning my glasses. – I think the glasses keep getting bigger – or has the wine got stronger today? – It all started when I bumped my head in the taxi …
Running Late
– The bus took the wrong route. You’d think at least they’d know the city like the back of their hand, but no… – The lift said «for six persons». I had to wait a long while until I had all six together. – There was a huge spider sitting right on the ignition. It wouldn’t budge. I simply didn’t know what to do. – My computer is doing an update right now. It says installation will take two hours… – Given our eternal love, this little delay is surely trivial. – What? Today wasn’t the clock change?
Brought the Wrong Thing
– Eggs? I didn’t buy any: I can’t bear to see how those animals have to suffer. – Vegetables? There were starving children on the street. I didn’t want to give them the steaks, so I gave them the vegetables. – On the way two guys mugged me. They shouted «your money or your liver». I’d bought steaks, not liver. They wouldn’t let up, so I gave them the vegetables. – Eggs? Oh dear – I must have left them at the till while paying. But the beer’s right here! – The vegetables were sold out. So I bought steaks.
Sneaking Out of the House
– Do we have aspirin? But I need Alka-Seltzer. I’ll just pop to the station pharmacy. – What, there’s hardly any petrol left in the tank? I’ll quickly go and check. – Have you checked our emergency supplies today? I’ll see to it right away – the shops are open late. – I think there were still ice cubes in my glass. I have to go straight back to the bar. – That’s it with the dog. He needs to go out again. – The pizza delivery still hasn’t come? Then I’ll have to go and get it myself.
Dodging the Housework
– What, we have a washing machine? – That’s like asking Superman to open a jar of pickles for you. – I just cleaned the kitchen spotless. It must have been the kids. – How did the cake end up in the cutlery drawer? I just cleaned it. – Oh, so that’s the dishwasher!? I thought it was the oven. – My migraine is so bad today it’s gone all the way to my feet!
Changing the Subject
– A new dress? It looks wonderful on you. – How many «T»s in «I’m not guilty»? – Good girl! – Remember when your dog ate my goldfish and you tried to convince me I’d never had a fish?
This article appeared in MEN issue 2/24 (November 2024).
